When I was feeling down.

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I am happy to be here today. I am happy to be a missionary. I am happy to be able to help so many people come unto Christ. 

I felt a bit down last week. I started to feel like I just wasn't good enough, I didn't feel motivated, I didn't feel the fire within. There wasn't some noticeable trigger. It wasn't like everything had just gone wrong. Things were happening that should have made me happy. I would be together with friends and it was almost like I was just there as they had a good time without me. 

I was asked on a conference call what was something I wanted to make improvements on. It was at that point that I realized I needed to get more motivated. I have seen friends get down, and stay down for extended periods of time. Often I have been there to offer support and remind them that someone cares. Days walking through the rain reminding friends that the problems they face will one day be past, months of sending emails with no reply until one day I hear the good news that something good has happened, and other times made me feel something. I felt that with all the helping I have given others on getting down, I should not be stuck feeling these things. I felt I should have been happy and optimistic always. 

I was studying one morning when I realized something. I needed the very help I have given so many times. My mind flooded with memories of the things I have suggested to help. I remembered the guidance to exercise and work hard. I remembered the counsel to get past myself and serve others. I remembered the many times I have born testimony that there is someone that knows exactly what I am going through and that he is there to help. I remembered the countless articles I have read trying to lift others up. Then I decided to act.

The first thing I did was pull out my journal and honestly assess my feelings. I found it hard to write about my struggles and weaknesses, yet as I wrote I was able to understand what I was feeling better. I also was able to realize that it will not last forever. 

I then began to pray and pour out my soul. I told my Father in Heaven that I was struggling. I told him I needed some help. I began to feel something as I did. I knew that he knew what I was going through, I knew he loved me, I knew that he was ready to help me. It is hard to explain how that feeling came. It started as a prick in my heart. As I prayed, that prick grew into a warm feeling of comfort. It wasn't a temperature change, it was more like something inside had hugged me. I could feel peace. 

The next few days I was certain to exercise hard, work hard, and focus my days on serving others. It was a few days ago when I noticed something as I walked down the hall of the church building. I was smiling without even meaning to do so. The past few days it has kept happening. Due to car trouble, I ended up walking all day Wednesday. No matter how long the trek seemed to be, I would always notice that I was smiling. 

I know what I feel now. It is hope. Hope always beats despair when I let in the help from on high. I will have days where I am down again. Not every day will there be a smile on my face. 

But I know where to find that smile.